If you are reading this you are likely frustrated with the same drivers I am. We are both kind of hoping that “those people” read this. But they won’t because they don’t actually know they piss off other drivers.
And when I say “piss off” I mean cause full on apoplectic rage aneurysms.
Many jurisdictions give new drivers stickers for their cars to indicate their status as a nervous newbie. Let us leave those folks alone, they are in their formative driving years and should be cut some slack. Besides they are a hazard, steer clear of the big “L” for learner stickers my darlings.
This idea I have is not for new drivers. I am proposing a legislative change that would see any driver assigned other kinds of stickers as they progress through their driving years. You could get a sticker randomly at any point in your lifetime. You would have to display it on your car at all times so that people would know exactly what kind of a dork you are behind the wheel.
Here are some stickers that I would want to personally hand out:
The Big “O” sticker stands for “Chronically Oblivious“. These folks are unaware of anybody around them. They drive without turning their heads, and assume that once their signal is engaged they can simply move over in sharp jerky motions to change lanes. They stop way behind other cars at lights leaving a massive 9 car lengths of space. This ensures people behind them won’t make the light.
Stands for “Left Lane Bandito“. This class of entitled drivers sits in the left lane of a highway. They go the speed limit, and feel that this is plenty fast enough. The concept that the left lane is for passing was a page in the manual they missed. Then when the rest of us do a high speed fly by on the right, they get that stink eye face and shake their heads. Message to the banditos: If I had laser blasters you would be nanoparticles in the stratosphere dickwad.
used for dawdlers. The gas pedal is on the right hand side. Place your foot on it and go. Keep up with traffic. You might be one of these folks if you are convinced everybody else on the road is crazy and you get honked at regularly. When I give you your sticker I will also give you a list of back roads to which you will be relegated. You are in the way, and nobody likes you. Not even the nice school bus driver likes you… nobody.
Wimpy driver indicator. This is a category that is particularly hard to deal with. These drivers are convinced that the road is being magically built just a few hundred yards ahead at a time, and they have to tap their brakes to slow down just in case the road suddenly ends. They also stay well back when turning left at a light. Then, even in mid left turn, tap their brakes to make sure the car behind them can’t get through the light. They are hesitant and tentative in all that they do. It galls me particularly when I see a woman do this, because I have to kick your ass out of the sisterhood. You are making the rest of us look bad. Learn how to drive for crap’s sake – so uncool.
Space travellers are not sure what planet they are on, or what those lines on the road are for. These alien invaders look human, but when they sit behind this mysterious round object in a metal box, they aren’t sure what to do. They take up double parking spaces, barrel through crosswalks, have no idea who has the right of way at a stop, and crawl along in the middle of the road looking for an address. They believe they are alone on this planet. They are also easily identified because they are the ones that get into their car in a crowded parking lot at a busy mall, start their engine and sit there doing a full audit of their wallet, or their nose while others circle them like sharks.
and finally the sticker that indicates “Rank Amateur” this one is like the big gold star of people who really shouldn’t be on the road. Their cars have many small dings and scratches from endless miscalculations. They genuinely wonder why EVERYBODY is a tailgater, and why they are constantly being passed at speed. They commit many of the offenses on the list and have no clue what is going on. They are often the people you see driving off with the gas nozzle flapping along behind. These folks are the most likely to be put into public transit, by me, when I get my badge and stickers.
One day you will be driving along, and you will be pulled over by the citizen’s patrol for driver education (I just invented that job for myself). They will hand you a sticker, or just a bus pass.
(Hey… did this post make you think? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment)
magnoliaripkin.wordpress.com 
Yes! I think that the “O” sticker (and many others) could also be given to people that stand in the middle of the grocery aisle blocking traffic in both directions and have no idea. It’s like they don’t understand that they occupy space and time and/or neither do others.
Shouldn’t we have one called “Cocoon”? We could give it my 81 year old Dad and all of his friends who really shouldn’t be on the road, unless on foot. Sigh.
xo
Meredith (badsandy.com)
I had a few other stickers in mind. My parents were in line for those. I am happy to add your Dad and his friends. They get a yellow spinning warning light on the roof if they wear a hat while driving.